It has been quite a while here!
I was having a conversation with a first-time pregnant lady the other day. She was expressing subtle frustration with certain behaviours of her husband. I listened intensively to her and empathized with her.
Then it dawned on me again that the man may not even be at fault.
Please hear me out.
I tried a little to explain to the lady that the man may not understand some of these ‘complications’ that come with pregnancy. She did not outrightly agree with my argument, believing that a man who is mature enough to marry a woman should understand some basic things, including behavioural patterns during pregnancy.
I was not in the mood to argue with her, but I told her that no one can give what he does not have.
If you have followed me well enough here, I have advocated for more deliberate training or grooming for the boy child before he is ‘thrust’ out there to a well-prepared bride. Some have responded with deeper insights than I originally shared, indicating that it is an issue that troubles many, but only a few are bold enough to speak about it.
Let us do some unpacking.
There are a whole lot of physiological changes that accompany pregnancy. It even varies from one pregnancy to another with the same woman, not to mention between different women.
Some of these changes may include:
-Endocrine
-Cardiovascular
-Respiratory
-Hematologic
-Renal
-Gastrointestinal
-Integumentary
Each of these may lead to some behavioural patterns, including changing cravings, which may be very frustrating to a man who is experiencing first pregnancy after marriage.
Since I am not a medical practitioner, I may not be able to speak professionally about the things mentioned above. However, from a lived-experience perspective, these are issues many husbands are simply ignorant of.
When pregnancy is confirmed, with its attendant joy and excitement, antenatal care registration is usually recommended. In certain circumstances, the husband accompanies the woman to register; in others, the burden falls solely on the woman. Many husbands believe that once the funds are made available, they are truly done.
Again, the latter pattern is borne out of ignorance or an extreme patriarchal ego that seems to situate responsibility squarely on the ability to provide financial support or backbone. The provider mentality that is fast becoming archaic and unrealistic.
So in such instances, men who have no clue about these changes usually complain, and some become deliberately absent from home most times to catch some rest from the ‘burdensome’ demands of their pregnant wife.
In a traditional setup, especially in Black Africa, the communal lifestyle may have bridged this gap for a long time, which closes our eyes to its challenges and necessities. However, economic migration (internal and external) has eroded that unique opportunity, and therefore, a tension we pretend does not exist rears its ugly head.
How do we address this issue, which is fast becoming a big elephant in the room?
There are two ways we can address it.
1. Make the initial antenatal for pregnant women compulsory for the husband to attend. It should not just be about providing for registration. The men should be tutored on these changes, their expected roles, and their responses, to make it easier for the women.
2. In case the above is not feasible, each clinic and hospital should have a separate provision for men to register for, and it should be compulsory where they are taught how to take care of pregnant women.
What if the man refused to attend either of these?
While this question may sound rhetorical, it is something not beyond men to do. My immediate thought will be to make it somehow legal and punishable if there is any refusal to attend. (More opinions will be required here, please.)
Pregnancy brings sufficient burdens and inconveniences that coping with an ignorant husband should not be added to the already choking situations.
Before I conclude, I can imagine someone asking, “What if the husband is not residing with the wife?” Or “what if the pregnancy is denied?”
While acknowledging that these kinds of situations will always be there, they should remain exceptions, not the rule.
Do you think antenatal for ‘expecting’ fathers will be worth their while?
Your thoughts and views are welcome.
(The figure man who loves alphabets)
