FOI: This is a very uncomfortable conversation about Prostate Cancer as written by Duke of Shomolu
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It is now official. We have to have ejaculate 21 times a month to survive and avoid prostate cancer.
Once a Nigerian male crosses 50, his chances of coming down with prostate cancer get very, very high.
The incidence is so high that, in some quarters, it has been said that as many as one in every four men will record a high PSA. An even higher number will eventually come down with the illness due to neglect, misdiagnosis, and all that comes with healthcare delivery in Nigeria.
In this regard, prevention is now the best option, and in the series of preventive measures being discussed, ejaculation seems to be getting the best publicity.
I first heard this solution on Classic FM, when one expert urologist was screaming it at my brother, Chico.
“Screw at least 21 times a month to reduce the incidence of prostate cancer in men,” he screamed.
Since then, I have had discussions with senior medical personnel who have all but confirmed the same thing, although they were very coy about it.
Now, the main issue is this: I do not know of any wife or partner who would allow you screw her 21 times in a month.
In seeking alternative windows, you may be risking STDs, blackmail, or financial ruin.
So what do we then do?
Guys, WANK. I tell you—WANK
This has been part of our growing up: the Playboy Magazine years, the Ikebe Super years, Dauda the sexy guy, down to the covers of James Hadley Chase and the Page 3 girls.
We have all been masturbating in closets, dark rooms, little corridors, and all.
Five things you must know about masturbation
Now, in our adult years, this once guilt-ridden activity has come back as a lifesaver.
The idea is to ejaculate. And it is not only by having sex that you can ejaculate, you can also masturbate to save your life.
This is convenient, cheap, and comes with no side effects.
It does not put your performance under pressure. You do not have to worry whether the other person is enjoying it or has come, which, in most cases, does not even happen.
You do not need expensive hotel rooms, or to pay for a holiday in Dubai for your mother-in-law, or to pay the school fees of six of your wife’s siblings just to meet your monthly quota.
All you need to do is stand up, kiss your wife on the forehead, go into the toilet, bring out your dick, and wank away.
Finish. Wash up. Come back, hold her, and watch Tinubu fall in Turkey.
It is the fast food of sex—quick, convenient, cheap, and most importantly, it will save your life.
In my over 30 years of masturbating, I have moved from category one, which involved a hole in the mattress, Vaseline, coconut oil, jelly, up to the final stage, where you attain grandmaster level: your bare hands.
The bare hands are only for veterans and black belters in this thing, because it can bruise you and leave you bleeding if you do not know how to gently stroke and concentrate on the cap.
While at it, you can use aides like porn, magazines, your mind, and even your partner.
You can ask her to sit in front of you and open her legs, so you can watch and do your thing.
This is okay, especially when she is tired and has a headache, like they always do.
Do not feel guilty. There is nothing to feel guilty about. You are saving your life.
You can also talk about it openly, so that you avail yourself of newer techniques that come out daily.
So my people, I am now very available for consultation. Just send N5,000 to me for a one-time consultation, and I will take you through the techniques. You will also get one copy of Playboy Magazine from my stash for your use, I still get plenty.
Please note: the offer is for the first 10 subscribers.
Wank and save your life, or you will die and a gym instructor will replace you.
Come and beat me!
—Duke Of Shomolu
It’s really a nice blog.