It was when I sought divine clarity about this topic that I gained a deeper insight into what I am writing about.
My initial thought and focus were to treat hierarchy and partnership as either/or phenomena in marriages. However, I am convinced that it is both/and, meaning you cannot have one and discard the other. There is no room to choose between the two, as the two are two sides of a working coin. When one side is bad, it becomes a bad coin, which may alter the legal tender capability of the coin.
In the same manner, when either hierarchy is overemphasized over partnership, the marriage may be heading towards irrecoverable disasters. Similarly, undue consideration of partnership may produce a bent relationship, which may also lead to a free fall, with no clear purpose or leadership. For clarity, leadership in marriage is not intended to be oppressive and authoritarian.
What then is a hierarchical partnership?
Let us borrow some knowledge from the aviation industry.
In operating an aircraft, the pilot and co-pilot sit in the cockpit to fly the plane to its desired destination.
This is a classic example of hierarchy, where the pilot is the senior and the co-pilot is the next in command. Working together to fly the aircraft is a partnership on display. Imagine a friction between the pilot and the co-pilot in the cockpit, the safety of the travellers would be better imagined than discussed.
Take, for instance, you are flying at high altitudes, and suddenly you begin to hear shouting and loud exchanges between the pilot and the co-pilot, and the plane becomes unsteady and unstable. Unless you are so inhuman or just don’t care, you may begin ‘to confess your sins’ as that may signal an eventual unscheduled meeting with your creator.
On the streets of Lagos, it may not be unusual to hear a shouting jamboree between a Danfo driver and his unruly conductor. Even at that, the passengers are always quick to remind the driver to concentrate on the driving and settle their matters later or park and let them alight.
Whereas the possibility of alighting is feasible with the Danfo commuting, it is not that easy with a plane, where commotions ensue between the pilot and co-pilot.
Yes, we can clearly say “God forbid” that I should be flying in such an aircraft that is replicative of a danfo scenario.
Let us imagine further, where a pilot comes out to announce to ‘unwilling’ passengers that “You know, I am the head of this crew, and my words are law and final. You will do yourselves a great deal to listen carefully to all my instructions and follow them, otherwise…”
Did you hear the entire people on board echoing “otherwise what?”
Also, imagined this scenario happened when airborne.
If you are on such a flight, what would you do?
So, marriage is both about hierarchy and partnership, and if each element is not accorded its rightful place, we can only head to irreparable disaster.
“A man is the head of the family.” A clear hierarchy. Just as the pilot flies the plane, they are the head of the crew.
“I will provide a helpmeet for him.” This is a partnership for a synergic relationship and not a slave to be owned.
A wife, therefore, is not an acquisition or a piece of monument that a man is free to use as deemed fit. An ideal wife is a partner to a husband.
Why do men pay dowry to get married to a woman then?
Dowry payment is best described as a symbol of commitment and seriousness on the part of the man who comes to marry a well-nurtured woman (coming to pluck a blossoming flower).
Truly, it is also a cultural symbol of sorts. In some climes, it is the woman who pays the dowry.
Besides, leadership is service, so hierarchy is ideally not a weapon of oppression, but a commitment to kead, cater for and provide all-round needs, including security and peace of mind, amongst numerous others.
Similarly, partnership is not always equality, but equity of being consulted, opinion respected and feelings appreciated. A successful partnership is built on consideration, love, respect, empathy and sacrificial support.
Therefore, it can be said that a healthy combination of hierarchy and partnership is required for a sustainable, successful marriage.
I am not unaware of the extreme positions of patriarchy that favour hierarchy as the birthright of the husbandman, and that of the ‘rebellious’ feminism that believes it is either partnership or nothing. Both of these extremes are wrong in my humble opinion.
Marriage should ideally be a kind of comparative advantage where both parties are in control of what they are best at. Good leadership, therefore, harnesses the strength of the man and the woman to make better decisions together. They cover for other weaknesses and get the best out of every possible situation.
The middle ground is the hierarchical partnership that allows both leadership for coordination and a collaborative partnership for better operational successes.
Finally, how do we adjust and make the necessary shift away from the two extremes?
Your thoughts and views are welcome.
(The figure man who loves alphabets)
This piece was put together by Bolutife Oluwadele
