Reflections: Is Courtesy and Respect Two Sides of a Coin? – Bolutife Oluwadele

We tend to use the words “courtesy” and “respect” as if they’re one and the same. We assume a courteous person is also respectful. We expect the two to go together. They are in fact very different. Courtesy is essentially a mode of behavior: politeness, good manners, and consideration in your speech and actions. Respect is a mode of regard; it’s recognizing another person’s worth, dignity, boundaries, or authority. Courtesy is often the outward expression of respect; respect is often the inner source which gives courtesy substance. The link isn’t automatic, and people can learn courtesy as a technique, so they can perform it without any real regard.

Courtesy really comes down to socialization: the manners you’ve picked up through your upbringing, the etiquette, the professional standards, the emotional intelligence, and occasionally just plain old diplomacy. It’s essentially an external thing.

You can see it in how you speak, in your greetings, in listening without interrupting, in using ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, in being on time, in giving people space, and in observing protocol. A courteous individual makes the social interaction go smoothly. Smoothness, however, is not the same as regard.

Respect is fundamentally about valuation. To respect someone is to regard them as worthy of that regard; they may be worthy because of their personhood, experience, office, boundaries, or simply because they are human. It is both an internal and an external quality. You can show respect even if your manners aren’t the most appropriate or your culture is very different.

A respectful person may not always get the words right, but they will never treat another person as a means to an end. They will not trample on boundaries, waste someone’s time, or dismiss someone’s concerns.

The overlap is very real, but it’s not the whole story.

Courtesy without respect can become slick disregard. Consider the customer service voice that is perfectly polite yet completely dismissive; the colleague who says “I hear you” while doing exactly what they meant to do; the diplomatic phrase that acknowledges the relationship and does nothing to engender respect. Courtesy without respect is a form of social performance. It looks the part, but it leaves the other person absolutely invisible.

Respect without the trappings of courtesy can be just as disconcerting, albeit for a different reason. Some people are just plain blunt, direct, and uncomfortable with the rituals of courtesy. They won’t cross your boundaries, waste your time, or treat you as less than human. A mentor who gives you straight feedback because they take you seriously; a colleague who will disagree with you openly and fairly; a friend who will tell you the truth without all the ribbon and frills. That can be jarring, but it’s not disrespectful. In fact, it can show real respect for you and your ability to handle honesty.

I learned that distinction from a rather unpleasant senior colleague some years ago. He wasn’t exactly a courteous individual. “Please” and “thank you” were rare in his vocabulary. His emails were three words long. He would interrupt in meetings. Yet he was absolutely respectful. He never took credit for anyone else’s work. He was very protective of his team’s boundaries. He listened when it mattered, even if he didn’t smile while he did. For a long time, I thought his lack of courtesy meant he didn’t respect me. It took me a long time to realize his gruffness wasn’t a lack of regard. It was just a different form of regard. In the end, I had to learn that you don’t need to be courteous to be respectful.

This distinction matters across cultures, as it’s so easily misunderstood. In some situations, elaborate courtesy is the very essence of respect. In others, the opposite holds, and directness is the mark of respect, while an overabundance of courtesy can come across as remote or even patronizing. Someone who is courteous in one culture may appear stiff and insincere in another. Someone who is in fact very respectful may be completely out of touch with the local code of courtesy and have no intention of being so. The mature response is not to insist that everyone behave the same way with regard to courtesy, but to ask whether respect is there beneath the surface.

The harder question

Respect, in itself, is not a single thing. We have a basic level of respect to extend to every human being (recognition of their dignity and boundaries), but we may well have a higher level of respect for those who have earned it through their behavior, wisdom, or office. That distinction accounts for most of the conflict we have about courtesy. When we feel disrespected, the right question to ask is whether the other person has failed the baseline or simply not performed the ritual.

That question isn’t in any way idle, particularly at this moment when we talk so freely about mental health and emotional well-being. So let’s be absolutely clear: how do we deal with people who get on our nerves? Do we have to put up with them?

Firstly, separate the two irritants. Are we annoyed because the other person is actually being disrespectful, or because they seem a bit discourteous to us? They are not the same thing, yet they can feel identical in the moment. The colleague who is brief with you may be dismissing you; he may also be treating you as someone who doesn’t need the padding. The person who is extremely polite may be showing you respect; she may also be managing you.

The second one is harder, and it’s a move inward. Are we using courtesy as a defense mechanism to avoid showing respect? Are we in fact treating our own cultural script as a moral imperative? You can be extremely polite to someone you’ve already decided to write off. It is entirely possible to be hurt by directness because it threatens a position you’re enjoying. Courtesy is easier to demand because you can measure it. You can point to the missing ‘please’, the unreturned greeting, the sentence that was cut off. Respect is much harder to quantify and much harder to demand without, in effect, becoming what you’re complaining about.

We’re not talking about carte blanche to be rude. It’s a change in what we police. The baseline is clear: no one is to breach your boundaries, waste your time, or treat you as less than human, however unrefined or slick their approach. Beyond that baseline, however, you can judge the surface. The substance is what matters.

The two correct each other

Courtesy without respect is just empty performance. Respect without courtesy can be unnecessarily harsh. The aim is not to merge the two, but to allow them to correct each other. Respect gives courtesy content. Courtesy gives respect a human face.

So the real question isn’t whether you’re generally courteous and respectful. It’s which of those two attributes you’ve demanded of others and which you’ve withheld.

Are you courteous and/or respectful?

Let us know how you plan to address that discrepancy.

What are your thoughts?

Please feel free to share your perspectives.

© TheVillageBoy
The figure man who loves alphabets